I really want to post my cute picture, but the site is still down. Soon, though. Really, y'all have to see how cute Tom is in this picture. It's to die for.

My brother got a job at chili's, and I'm proud of him. Really, I'm proud of everything he's doing in his life right now. He's excelling in school and is on the road to becoming an incredible accountant. He's also developing a spiritual depth and relationship with the Lord that astounds me. And his intensity and firm convictions are combining with an openness and deep respect for the opinion of others, making him a man of integrity, character, and empathy. I love my brother. And I love how he loves and cares for me... only he can look at me, grin and say "I love you, you stupid bitch" every time my ditziness gets me in trouble(the other day I sprayed lens cleaner all over myself, not realizing that it wasn't perfume... now, really, who the hell does that?). He is wonderful.

I'm reading the book Sacred Sex by Tim Gardner, and it's amazing how God-ordained the book is for me. It's one of those books that you don't just read, you experience... as in the Lord is teaching me about this subject and speaking these truths to my heart, and as he is doing that I'm reading the truths in the book. So the Lord's work in my heart and the readings from the book are going hand in hand. (I realize that when I said I am "experiencing" the book, it kinda sounded funny if you read it a certain way. But I wasn't really talking about that. I am "experiencing" it, but more than that, the Lord is experientally working on my heart.).

There are so many books on sexual techniques, and I think those books are great and helpful for married or soon-to-be-married people. But really, the techniques aren't nearly as difficult as getting your mind around the fact that you are representing the Lord during the marriage act, that He is literally present and being glorified as you celebrate your love and oneness, and that you are taking part in the closest thing we have to understanding the love, passion, and intimacy within the mystery of Christ and his church. When the world has corrupted sex to such a great degree, and when you have had it hounded into you that sex is wrong and bad and dirty, then it is extremely difficult to grasp this truth. And no matter how good your "technique" is, there will really be very little true satisfaction in sex unless you can enter in and taste the pleasure of Jesus.

Last night I was reading about sex as a "channel of Grace", as a type of sacrament that reminds us of the Grace of God. Gardner writes, "Sex is not about me and what I want, and it is not about you and what you want. Sex is about sharing an experience that neither one of us deserves.... sexual intimacy, as experienced in and by God's design, is certainly an undeserved journey into the treasure house of the divine."

This whole concept blows my mind. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this aspect of marriage, but I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting to have to wrestle like this with the mystery of Christ, and in the process be blown away by the magnitude of his love. It's magnitude magnifies the hardness of my heart, and often in the past month, when confronted with the spiritual dimensions of sex, I've flinched and pulled away because it's too beautiful to grasp, to good to be true, to strange and too powerful to grasp with my little mind.

But it's true, and it's glorious. And I'm not sure I'll ever be an expert on this subject, but I long to be a student. I long to drink of the Lord's unfailing love as I bear his image and reflect his mystery in oneness with my husband. And though it is often painful for my heart to wrestle with the depth of this love compared to the greatness of my sin, I will face it, I will grasp it, and I will believe it. My Lord died to grace me with it, and I will claim this love as mine as I embrace the wonderous complexity of my Beloved.

And wow... I can not believe that I just wrote a post about the "s" word :)