Reading Meg's Blog made me think a lot about what I've been through and where I am now. It's really hard for me to see her go through the kind of pain she's going through, because I have first-hand knowledge of how excruciating the pain is.
I think the hardest thing right now is the fact that I don't talk about that part of my life. Nobody knows what I went through, nobody knows the crazy path the Lord led me down for the 4 years of my college life before meeting Tom. I don't like just stuffing those years in a corner, but I'm also not willing to share about them. I can barely talk to my husband about them. The only person that I can talk to is my mom, because she saw me through those years. She was my rock through it all, my "Sam", as she likes to call it.
But, since I don't talk about it with others, I end up not talking about it with the Lord. And, as a result, it's really hard for me to be open, honest and vulnerable with Him. I don't want to deal with all the crap, but I know that I have to. I want to just throw it away and say that the whole thing was just not from the Lord, but that drives me even further away from him. I know that my years of pain were from Him. I don't believe He caused the pain--I'm an open theist, I don't think like that-- but I do believe He led me through it knowing that I would most likely have my heart broken in the process. And I do believe that He grew my character and drew me to Himself in wonderful ways during that time. And I have to deal with it with Him. My current happiness isn't complete if the loose strings of my past haven't been tied. My identity will be lost if I don't deal with who I was and who I became back then.
But why couldn't my life have been easier? Why did the road have to be so strange and unknown? Why can't I just settle into a nice life with my wonderful husband and forget about the crap in the past? I just want to forget. But I can't. I don't want to deal with it. But I have to.
And, this entry makes sense to no one but me. But that's ok, because it felt good to get it out. Talking about it reminds me that I have to deal with it. And I will. Someway, somehow.
3 comments:
I went to talk to you on AIM but you're not on. So I decided to visit your blog. This post totally hits me because there are definite times in my life that I"m not proud of. Some things that only God knows about because they are shameful. But pain.. man.. that's the proving fire. It's so tough.. but God knows that without it.. we would not grow to be more like Christ. Obviously, it's not a 'bad' thing that God gives us, because he gave the same to Jesus when he died. But it doesn't make it easier. Plus, adding shame to the pain, makes it hard to let go. But I have/am learning the freedom of letting go of the past..
catch me on AIM or email me.. let's talk sometime..
*julie* from .net
Whatever your past held...you are our Rebecca & we cherish you. Share with us if you are ever able, we want to fight for & with you.
:)
I love you, Lauri Evans. You are great :)
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