I have an insane passion for Organic chemistry. Synthetic Organic chemistry. I love it. I get weak in the knees when I think about it. The very thought of it makes me want to get out my Organic textbook and work problems until I'm blue in the face. In my opinion, it is the most beautiful, God-glorifying subject in the universe.

I used to have fun taking my Organic chemistry tests. I would honestly leave the room thinking, "That was a blast. Dr. McGraw put such a great synthesis problem on there!". Of course, the first person who asked me how the test was would hear me say, "Oh it was so hard. I think I failed it." When people leave those tests crying, you just can't go around saying how much fun they were. But I was always secretly grinning. (For those of you who think I was telling a horrible lie, I really wasn’t. There was a part of me that always thought I failed a test, even when I secretly knew/hoped I’d aced it).

So, if I love synthesis so much, and if the process of synthesizing a complex drug seems like heaven to me, why am I so afraid of medication? Popping a few Aleeve here and there doesn’t bother me, but when the medication will dramatically affect certain aspects of my life, I wrestle with whether or not the natural way should always supersede the synthesized, “man made” way. So NFP should be used, not the pill. And I just need to pray more, I don’t need to get on medication for my anxiety. After all, hasn’t God already endowed the universe with everything it needs to nourish healthy living? Isn’t the natural way always better?

I’ve already had to choose the pill over NFP, and that was a very difficult decision. I feel like I handled it well, and I’m relieved and at peace with the decision Tom and I made. But last night, Joyce recommended I get on medication for my anxiety problems, and it really shook me up. I’m still adjusting to the birth control decision, I don’t feel ready to make another huge decision like this.

But I have to learn to integrate science and my faith. I have to wrestle with it and try to figure out how they fit together. I used to say that when I was studying chemistry, I felt like I was worshipping God. So how can I say that He is not involved in medicine? Is the desire he gave me to synthesize new compounds not a holy desire? And if it is, are not those new compounds, aka “drugs”, in a sense holy as well?

And maybe He never intended for medicine to be before the fall, but since the fall, He’s had to make beauty out of chaos, and medicine is one of those beauties. Maybe He gave me a desire to create drugs so that I could create beauty and in some way patch up a few of the many torn parts of our groaning creation. And so Yasmin is a blessing, because it will allow me to postpone childbirth until I’ve finished school and accomplish the dreams God has placed in me. And maybe medication for anxiety will also be a blessing. Maybe it will actually work for me, and I won’t feel like everyone hates me all the time. Maybe it will help me be less self-conscious, and as a result, less self-centered and able to actually focus on the other person and love them rather than spending the time worrying about what they think of me. And if that’s true, if these drugs really can accomplish that task, then they must be creating beauty out of chaos. And beauty from chaos is holy. It has to be holy.

It is tough to figure these things out. But the wrestling process is good. And I know that Joyce’s advice last night was from the Lord to stir up more wrestling in my heart. I know He is using it to reveal to me His purposes. He is a good teacher.