The more that I have going on my heart, the more difficult it is to blog...

So what's been going on with us these days?

Tom tried to quit his job. He wrote a letter of resignation, and we started planning for how we would make it while he looked for another job. But the owner of the company refused to let him quit and ended up changing some things that were making the job most difficult and unenjoyable for him. He is also now being treated with respect, and has kind of become their new personal coach, advising them on how to make the company better and helping them to implement new procedures. It has been beautiful for me to see my husband finally treated with respect and finally receive the recognition he deserves for his giftings. But it is sad that he had to get away from working at a church for this to happen.

We have spent a lot of time discussing and analyzing where we should go to seminary. The ideal place for Tom's education is California, but Pasadena is expensive and seems to hate my dogs, which makes it less than ideal for our family. So we've thought about Denver Seminary (I like this option a lot, Tom not as much) or the Fuller cohort program in Seattle (I have family in Vancouver, which makes this option fantastic for me). But I am starting to get more ok with the idea of Pasadena, as it would be a great place for me to find a community college job, and I really do want Tom to be able to experience education at Fuller's main campus. So we don't know what we will choose, but we have to make a decision soon.

We spent another month trying to have a baby, and once again, the month ended with me in tears. This process has been excruciating to me. I now understand why women don't talk about it, and when we start trying again, I probably will not be blogging about it until we are sure of a healthy pregnancy. I've grown through the past few months though, and I've learned that my main need for a baby right now has stemmed from my dissatisfaction with my life and identity. I've felt that if I got pregnant, I could hide in that identity and not feel so overwhelmed by the fact that I don't love who I am right now. And I guess I understand why the Lord hasn't allowed that to happen, and hopefully when we are blessed with a child, my reasons for wanting it will be less selfish.

One factor affecting my identity issues is the fact that finding a church during this last year in College Station has been hard. It is much like a rebound relationship, and everything about it hurts like hell for me. And I hate that, whereas if this were an actual relationship, it would be best to not rebound, when it comes to a church, we are forced to rebound or be judged by those around us. For the last few months, I have left church feeling 100 times worse than when I got there, being reminded of all the junk and hurt and feelings of betrayal from last year. While for most, it is the differences of the church from our previous one that has affected them, for me it has been the similarities. It hurts so much to be reminded of all that we lost last year. And so last week we chose a church that is completely different in every way: a baptist megachurch. And I loved it! Something about the fact that everything was different was comforting to me. Additionally, this church has a pastor whose preaching is insightful, intelligent and exegetical. And though I make fun of the 1 hour service, my attention span needs that these days. Longer services have lulls and down points that make me dwell on hurt and crap, but the swift structure of a 1 hour service keeps my mind from wandering. All that to say that this morning, we are attending the 9:30 service and Central Baptist church, and for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to it.