I got another job. Working for a chemical company. It pays much more than $6/hour. I start on Wednesday. I'm very, very thankful.

I think Jesus came into my office today. A man and his wife came in asking for an eye exam, and the man looked (and smelled) like he hadn't showered in weeks. I was so angry at myself for being so repulsed by him. I hated the relief I felt when it was my co-worker who had to give him the pre-exam, not me. I wanted to be able to walk up to him and hug him without cringing, without holding my breath so I wouldn't smell him. I wanted to love him as if he was Jesus. I get so freaked out about uncleanliness, and I wish it just wouldn't matter to me. So I was asking the Lord to forgive me about it and feeling bad that I am the way I am when another man came in to ask if we had any openings. He was obviously mentally retarded. He was so precious. His smile warmed my heart and I told him we didn't have any openings until 4:00 but that he could try Eyemasters(which is also in the mall) if that was too late for him. He said ok and then stood and smiled at me for the longest time. Now I'm not claiming that this man was really Jesus (thought I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was him, or atleast an angel), but somehow in that man's smile Jesus smiled at me. And his smile held so much love and pride toward me that I was taken aback. It was like Jesus was there to tell me that he loves me despite my weakness in loving the lowly, and that he's proud of me for hating my sin like I do. And he loved me for trying to love the smelly man, even though I struggled with it, and he loved me for loving the mentally retarded man, because I really did love him and find him beautiful.

I've really been struggling with Jesus lately, but I'm really glad he's loving me through it. I'm glad the legalistic accusations that come to me ("you're not having a regular quiet time!" "how many hours have you prayed this week? "you haven't been studying the word enough!") aren't from him. I'm glad he loves me where I am. I'm glad he pursues me, I'm glad he delights in me, I'm glad he picks me up and dances with me when I feel like I'm dying.

And I'm glad Jesus loves me through Tom. And I'm glad Tom lets Jesus love me through him. It blows me away.