A year later

On Oct. 21, 2011, I wrote out several prayer requests in my journal. I wanted to be bold and ask Jesus for things, no matter how grandiose the requests felt to me. They were as follows:

• The job at White River Christian Church (we still had not heard for sure if we had it or not, and it felt painfully close to slipping out of our fingers)
• A job for me in Indiana
• Help with our finances (we were living with Tom's parents at the time. I was teaching part time, but our monthly income was not covering our expenses, and I was watching our savings slowly disappear)
• A house (this felt particularly out of reach. How could we buy a house when we had no money?)
• A baby (At this time, we had been trying for a baby for a little over 4 years.)

It is amazing to me how swiftly all of these prayers (except one) were answered. Tom got the job at WRCC. It is the most perfect job for him in the most perfect place. I didn't just get one job in Indiana, but TWO (one full time at Dow and one part time with Ivy Tech). I love them both. It's a little ridiculous (and amazing) how much we both love our jobs. The amount of money that came in for us over the next few months is mind-blowing. This allowed us to buy our first home, which we moved in to Dec. 28, just a little over two months after this journal entry. 

I am still amazed by all that has occurred for us this last year. And so thankful. I don't ever want to not be thankful for these things. 

But what do I do when that last prayer is still unanswered? When my heart aches so desperately to be a mother? 

We did finally seek medical help for our infertility, since we finally had money for it, and we were finally in a place where starting a family felt right and made sense (as much as I ached for it before, it didn't feel right. I knew it wasn't our time yet). And I'm thankful that our problem does seem to be treatable, albeit not the shortest of processes. 

And my job is great. I really enjoy going to work every day. I enjoy the people I work with. I enjoy having extra money every month, to save or give away or invest in our home. Most of the time, I am ok. Most of the time, I truly enjoy life. 

But the problem with infertility is that it stabs you in the gut when you least expect it. I can be happy as a clam, joyously plugging along at my day, and then I pass a pregnant woman in the hall. And all of a sudden, I am crippled by the ache of it all, the immense emptiness that overtakes me. In those times, my current lot feels profoundly unfair and cruel, and my mind struggles to work itself around the "why" of it all. 

Advent is a mixture of celebration and waiting, as we celebrate the "now" and wait for the "not yet". It is the recognition of a God who entered into our pain, not to take all our pain away, but to redeem us in the midst of it. The gospels are full of utter joy, but they are also filled with raw suffering, not the least of which is the suffering of God himself.

This advent season, I was hoping for a miracle. There were a few days where I really thought we had gotten it. Then came the knowledge that no, we hadn't, and I was left in the same awful place. So this Christmas, like the last five Christmases, I am faced with the reality of suffering. I am even more reminded of this reality after Friday, Dec. 14, when 20 parents lost their children to a senseless tragedy. There is no less suffering within this life of faith than outside of it. And sometimes this can cause my faith to waiver and my hope to crumble to a greater extent than I would like.

But when I feel as though there is no hope, I am drawn toward the God who was birthed in a dirty stable, so that he could enter into our pain.  It is hard to believe that he aches with me right now, that he enters into my suffering and feels this grief with me. But when I read the gospels, I can't help but see that he does. He is a God who loves to announces his mission by granting a child to barren women (Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth). He is a God who takes great delight in granting "the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children" (Ps. 113).

This Christmas, I may not have the miracle that I long for, but I have a God that stoops down to care for me, to lift me out of the dust and ashes and make me into something new and glorious.  And I have so many things to be grateful for. Our beautiful home. Our precious church family. Our jobs. Our sweet marriage and friendship. Our wiggly, sweet, adorable dogs. So, so much good.

I'm praying that I can embrace the extravagant, particular love of the Emmanuel this Christmas, the God who stooped down to be near to us and suffer with us. And I'm praying that those who lost their precious children in the recent shooting will feel it in the midst of their unimaginable pain as well.

We still don't know about the job. We had another interview, I got to go up there (and fell head over heels in love with the place), and everything looks good for it to go forward. But these things take so much time. More time than I would like. Every time we think we will know for sure, we have to wait again. It is hard to submit to the process when that process is determining our future. And yet it is necessary. It has felt like a spiritual workout, the constant process of thinking we are at the end, letting out our breath a bit... then, here we go, one more interval: surrender to the Lord, lay all your hopes at his feet, pray your heart out. Take a break, then.. repeat.

Not that this is all that odd to me, because I do this exact same thing every month. Every month, I let my breath out because, maybe-- maybe we have a miracle! Maybe the Lord is knitting together my hopes and dreams inside of me. Then... no, not this month, maybe not ever... surrender to the Lord, lay all your hopes at his feet, pray your heart out. Take a break, then.. repeat.

It is hard work, this journey of faith. This never-ending cycle that feels as though it is going nowhere.

But I'm believing today that it is getting me somewhere. My story is more than a never-ending cycle. There is a goal there somewhere, and I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

Update

So, life these days. It's a bit weird.

Tom graduated from Fuller in June. We prayed for a job. We thought we'd found one, twice. Neither panned out. We were pretty heartbroken, because we felt very called to leave LA, but we had no way of leaving without a job.

Then, Tom's dad and step-mom offered to let us move in with them. It seemed crazy at first, but then we started thinking about it... we could live for cheap, be near family for awhile, and I wouldn't be locked into a year-long contract, so Tom wouldn't be prevented from continuing the job search.

So we did it. We moved to Houston Aug. 5th. I quickly and easily got a job as an adjunct faculty member at a nearby community college, teaching Introductory Chemistry. It pays very little, but it helps cover our expenses and is good for the resume. And I only teach 2 days a week, so I get to rest. These last 3 years have not included much rest, so I am enjoying it.

And then, a few weeks after we moved in, Tom got a random call from a random place. And that random call turned out to be from a pastor at a church that looked amazing. Beyond amazing. And the position is, quite literally, Tom's dream job (small groups/discipleship pastor). Tom had a skype interview and was convinced that he had performed horribly. But they must have thought he did ok, because they called back 15 minutes later wanting to fly him out. So, Tom was flown up to Indianapolis for 4 days, and he fell in love with the church.

Now we are prayerfully waiting news from this church, hoping that the news will be good. If it isn't, I'm not sure what we'll do. But I know that Grace will be there to carry us.

This hasn't been an easy process, but I'm beginning to see some fruit from it. I'm beginning to see my heart take on a new form. I still hurt often, I still cry often, I still scream and yell at heaven because He is not giving me what I want right now. But I'm also learning to sit, to wait, to be loved in this in-between. And He's carrying me; I know He is.

I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:13

There are times when I feel like my own crap is just too much. My mind is too analytical, my obsessive nature clings to too many thoughts, my relationship with the Lord is too mucked up with fear and anxiety to be of any use to others.

And then I have mornings like I had today, when I meet with a student with a mind just like mine, and my experiences actually become useful. The ways I have been comforted by Grace become a means for me to comfort another. My junk is no longer junk; it is a redeemed treasure, an experience that lets another know that they are not alone, that not only have I been in the same spot, but the Lord has also been there with me. And he is right there with her, just like he was (and is) with me. And he has redeemed my moments, my anxieties, my fears and turned them into a testimony of His grace.

I am thankful today for the quaint little town of Sierra Madre, hidden next to the Mountains, removed from the graffiti and grime of Los Angeles. I'm thankful for a park bench next to a Starbucks and a girl named Natalie who is working through the stuff of faith* and, though it feels like she is stuck, is moving beautifully through her wreckage as she grapples for truth and grace.

Thank you, Jesus, for using us when we feel useless, for giving us purpose when we feel purposeless, for being our hope when we feel hopeless.

*the "stuff of faith" was coined by my dear friend Stephanie Hough and has been my favorite phrase of late thanks to a coffee date with her a few weeks back :)

6 years

So, about 2 posts ago, or 1 year ago to be [almost] exact, I posted about the joys and quirks of five years of marriage. And I think this deserves an update, as we quickly approach the 6 year mark.

• Those fancy registry sheets were replaced. My mom and I bought 2 sets at Bed Bath and Beyond, a brown and a yellow set. Tom is convinced that the brown set is softer. He is also not sure that the thread count is to his liking. You know the Princess and the Pea? Well there is also the real life fairy tale of my life called the Big Bear and the Pea. I have never known anyone as picky and sensitive about his sleeping arrangements as my husband. Thankfully he married someone who loves giggling about it, because it really is adorable to me rather than irritating (for the most part).
  
  
• I still have not pulled out our fancy electric knife sharpener to sharpen our knives. The thing has not been used once. I just deal with dull knives. This is how lazy I am. (If Tom ever used them, which he doesn't as I am the cook of the family, he would have sharpened them by now. He is not as lazy as me.)
  
  
• We still don't have enough spoons. We just use the bigger spoons more often. Another thing I should have worked on, which I have not.
  
  
• We are still on the fourth coffee maker. However, Tom has become a coffee snob and no longer drinks coffee out of the coffee maker. He makes lattes with a stove-top espresso maker and a very fancy milk frother that his mom bought him for Christmas. And he only uses coffee from Intelligensia. Which is ok, because though it is very expensive, I have students who work there and love me enough to give it to me for free.
  
  
• While we still have those 5-10 recipes that we like, we have been doing the South Beach diet this year. Which messed the whole thing up, because a lot of my recipes aren't SBD friendly. I went through a very angry period, because it felt like I had to start all over with this cooking thing. But I have revamped some recipes, and we have slacked a bit on the diet, and it is back to being ok. And it is helping my big bear become a littler, healthy bear, so it is worth it.
  
  
• I still can't imagine my life without this man, and this year has proved his faithfulness and love for me in new ways, as I have often been a chaotic mess. He loves me so well and is so strong for me, and I can not begin to describe how precious these last 6 years with him have been.

We have no idea where this next year will take us. I am pretty terrified about that right now. But I am so thankful to have my best friend along with me on this journey. And as he graduates from Fuller in 2 weeks and (hopefully, please God, hopefully) finds a job in the upcoming months, I am confident that we will continue to be good together, partnering together for the Kingdom.

Mended

I have a song for most seasons courtesy of the band Watermark. Here is the current song that has been mending my heart and restoring my sanity during these last few months.

You repair all that we have torn apart
You unveil a new beginning in our hearts
We stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
All that goes before us

You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you


We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years
You will sing over all our coming fears
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
all that goes before us


Lord, you mend the breech
And you break every fetter
You give us your best
for what we thought was better
And you are to be praised
You are to be praised

Hi Blog

I don't love having this thing just sit empty... The May, 2010 heading looming there at the top, all the way into March, 2011.

But it has been a difficult year for words. A difficult year for updates.

I knew that this year would be hard before it even began... our ever-present quest for a baby, our quest that, month after month, proves to be beyond our control, hangs over me like a cloud. A cloud of bitterness, longing, anger, jealousy.... a cloud of pretty much everything I hate. But it won't go away.

And this has affected my contentment and joy toward teaching. I have been so, so hard on myself this year. I tell myself and believe the most horrible things about my competency at my job. I can't be as bad as I think I am, but I still believe it.

A few weeks ago, my doctor upped my anxiety meds. It seems to be helping. I've had a few good weeks. Maybe they will stick.

So there I am. It's been a rough year. I could say more about it, but it gets pretty repetitive.

And yet... every once in a while, I feel peace. I feel hope. I feel a presence strip away my cloud and surround me with love. He's always here, and I sometimes feel him. He's always with me, and I sometimes catch a glimpse of him leading me to himself. He is always good, and I sometimes see proof of that. And it gives me hope that this year will be for the good of my heart, for the good of our story.

5 years

Tom and I are quickly approaching our five year anniversary (May 28th). Until lately, I have felt not far-removed from the "newlywed" status, but lately, little things have been reminding me that we are five whole years into a life together. It has caused me to start a list in my head, a list which I will call "You know you have been married five years if..."

"You know you have been married five years if..."

• Your sheets (those fancy, expensive registry sheets) are worn so thin that pulling them from the washing machine suddenly causes them to tear in half.
  
• Your sharp, dangerous, cut-through-anything knives are now so dull that they barely cut through lettuce (and you are too lazy to figure out how to work the electric diamond sharpening machine your husband forced you to register for--because you would use it ALL THE TIME, of course).
• You have run out of spoons. Somehow, five years of packing a lunch for your husband, many of which included yogurt and a spoon, resulted in the loss of about half of what you started with.
• You are on your fourth coffee maker.
• You have finally, after much trial and error, come up with a list of 5-10 recipes that you both enjoy enough to make regularly.
• You start to forget what it was like to live apart from each other and can't imagine living life with anyone else :)

I love these little signs that remind me of the five wonderful years I have spent married to my best friend, and I look forward to all the years to come!

Blogging... what's that?

I have kind of forgotten that I even have a blog. But I guess it would do me good to update this a little.

I am 3 weeks away from finishing my second year of teaching. How crazy is that? Even crazier is how much I love it. Sure it is exhausting, and sure I have my bad days and my very bad days, but all in all, this is SO the job for me. I have never felt so good at a job, so relaxed and sure of myself and successful. I love talking about chemistry, and I love enjoying my students. They make me laugh every day, and they are just so much fun.

We are also finishing our second year in California. And Tom is in the stages of planning out the next few quarters, because he only has a few quarters left of this thing. I can't believe it's almost over. The debt will follow us for years afterward. But hopefully the knowledge and skills from Fuller will make that all worth it :)

I am torn between loving life and fighting to love life. We have been so blessed in so many ways. We are so happy with this little life we have built together, and I could go on and on about the ways we have been provided for. And yet the other trials I have had to deal with, mainly the trial of infertility, have not been so easy.

I think that's why I have quit blogging... I don't want to feel like I am starting an infertility blog. Not that I don't see the purpose in them, and finding and reading those blogs have brought me a great deal of comfort. But I don't really want to write to the world about how much I'm hurting over the one thing I currently can't have.

I do, however, want to stress how present the Lord is in guiding us. And I am learning so much through this and gaining so much insight and empathy. I also see the reasons why we are not called to have kids yet. I understand and know in my heart that it isn't our time. I just wish I knew when (or if) it would be our time... and why it seems to be the time for everyone else except for me.

Life, however, is a lot of waiting. I would be a fool to think that if I got what I currently want that I would then quit wanting. I know I would then start waiting for something else. And so in the midst of this season, I am fighting for contentment. I am fighting against jealousy, bitterness and anxiousness. And I am fighting for hope and joy in the knowledge of God's goodness.

"Who is like the Lord our God,
who is seated on high,
who looks far down on the heavens and the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust
and the needy from the ash heap,
to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.
He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the Lord!"
Psalm 113:5-9

The last few times I've shopped at Walgreens, I've messed up my coupons somehow and ended up paying more than I should have. Or the coupons beep and I don't want to argue with the cashier. But today I finally got a really good deal and recycled my register rewards (I had $7 that were about to expire). My purchase:

1 box of Zantac
2 bottles of Pert Plus for Men Shampoo/Conditioner
2 packs of Trident layers gum
1 two-pack of Emergen-C energy booster drinks

Total: $5.48
Register Rewards: $15.50

So, the only thing we actually "needed" from the above list was the shampoo. But now I have $15.50 to spend at Walgreens, and I only paid $5.48 for it (and got a bunch of stuff to go with it!).

My 3rd period secretly made me a birthday card today. They had the period to finish up a worksheet and study for the test on Friday, and I offered them markers in case they wanted to use them for their study guide. One girl used the markers to make a card, and all the students secretly signed it.

My favorite message on the card:

Happy Birthday Mrs. Rich. You are my favorite teacher. For real. I meant to make you a card! For real. Ya girl. For real... again. Alright then. I LOVE YOU!

They are so cute :)

The Lord is faithful in all his words,
and gracious in all his deeds. ^*
14The Lord upholds all who are falling,
and raises up all who are bowed down.
¹⁵The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food in due season.
¹⁶You open your hand,
satisfying the desire of every living thing.

Today, I am choosing to believe that the Lord is good. Even when He doesn't give me what I want. And, even more than that, I am choosing to believe that there is a reason why I am not getting what I want. I believe that His purposes for me are greater than my short-sighted wants and desires. And I believe that His purposes for me are good. They are good for the Kingdom, and they are good for me.

I believe, Jesus... please help my unbelief.

Ways I am exhausting myself to make more money this year...

1. After school supervision on Monday... this is a pretty sweet deal, as I get to do work while I watch the kids. And some of my favorite kids stay after school.
2. Grading papers-- I started this job last year, grading lab reports and quizzes for a community college professor. The professor is the sweetest lady, and we get along really well. And I kind of like grading papers for students other than my own.
   
3. Tutoring privately-- I have one student that I will be tutoring every Wednesday in math. She was in my summer school class and is the most precious girl. And her house is gorgeous and overlooks the mountains, so I really like going there :)
4. Tutoring with The Scholar Group--I am really excited about the group. The leadership and educational philosophy is fantastic. The only issue is finding the time to tutor for them in addition to everything else on my plate.
   

So, I am thankful, because all of the above will help us pay our bills. And maybe even help us pay for Fuller, instead of relying solely on loans/savings. But, I am also exhausted right now while I work on establishing a routine and getting myself to bed at a good time each night. Hopefully once the weather cools down a bit, I will sleep better.

The Lord is good, though, and I am thankful that He is providing for us. And I know He will help me manage my time with wisdom.

So, I usually get pretty good deals combining coupons with sales at the grocery store, and it helps our grocery budget stay reasonable. But, I recently switched my salary from a 10 month pay schedule to a 12 month schedule, which means that I will now get paid all year long (and not have to rely so heavily on summer school), but my monthly take home pay is about $400 less. Which... is a lot. Especially considering that we were barely making it before. It means that one of my bi-weekly pay checks does not even cover our rent. And we have to rely more on Tom's part time job, my part time jobs (I have three extra jobs this year!), and budget cuts. So, I have been doing more research on couponing, instead of just relying on the grocery game, and man, there are a lot of blogs out there! They are really helpful at finding the best deals at CVS, Walgreens and Target, as well as finding the best printable coupons. And just by following them for the past 2-3 months, my savings have dramatically increased. And my stockpile is huge (I don't have to buy cereal, coffee or deodorant for a loooong time).

I saw the results of this today when I bought everything I needed at Vons, and my total came to $12.80. Even with coupons, it is tough to keep my weekly Vons bill lower than $50. Usually, it is more like $70-80. So $12.80 is unreal. My favorite part about it is that I got everything that we needed for the week(except for milk, which I bought at CVS), in addition to a few really good deals (like a free glade candle and refill pack). I will probably stop by another store this week to get produce, but other than that, we are set.

Here are the results of today's shopping trip at Vons:

• 2 lbs Brown Sugar
• 2 bags of tortilla chips (for taco salads)
  
• 1 box Cheez-it whole grain crackers
• 1 box saltine crackers (for my mom's famous parmesan chicken)
• 1 box whole grain spaghetti
• 1 bag frozen vegetables
• 12 cups yoplait light yogurt
• 1 32 oz bottle Coffeemate creamer
• 1 loaf sara lee soft and smooth whole wheat bread
• 1 Glade candle tin
• 1 Glade candle refill

Club card savings: $18.96
Coupons: $16.81
Total: $12:80

It takes a lot of work, and I know that not everyone actually has fun putting this much work into couponing and saving money... but since I actually do enjoy it, seeing it pay off like this is a lot of fun. And a nice break from grading papers :)

My honors students took a quiz today. I walked over to one student who was finished his quiz yet intently drawing a picture on the back of the paper. "Can I take your quiz, or would you like to finish your picture?"I asked... "Just a minute," said the student. So I walked around to pick up more quizzes while waiting for the student to finish drawing a little ninja on the back of his paper.

After picking up the first student's paper, I went to pick up the paper of another student at his table. He had his paper turned over and was obviously finished, but he was holding his pencil as though he had more to write. I asked him if he was finished, and he hesitated... "Do we all have to draw a picture?" he asked. I assured him that no, he did not :)

I love my job.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Though, really, the only complaint I ever get is from Sommer. Who already gets regular updates from me as it is :)

The last few months have been draining. I still love my job, and I still love the kids. But I have been exhausted and moody and that just does not make teaching very easy. My kids are funny and cute and often very sweet, but they are also incredibly demanding. And when I am exhausted and moody, I am not very patient with demanding kids. But, tomorrow is my last day with them. It will be bittersweet to see them go.

I also have an extra job grading papers for a community college professor. It is added work, but has been such a blessing financially. We were making ends meet, but barely, and this extra money helps me breathe a little easier. And nag Tom a little less.

I also am going to be teaching summer school, which means I will get a paycheck this summer. We are on a 10 month salary, and I was terrified about not getting work for the summer. Since I make about 90% of our income, and our cost of living is incredibly expensive here, two months without work would pretty much drain our savings account. But, I will be able to teach chemistry this summer, PLUS, I've been asked to teach an online Algebra II course... which means I will actually be making more this summer than during the year. It is amazing how the Lord provides.

Tom is doing fantastic in school, making A's on all his papers, getting A's in Greek!! and just all around impressing the hell out of me with how hard he is working. And Fuller has been so worth it so far... when we are paying so much to be out here, it really helps to know that we could not have found a better fit for us in a seminary. I was able to audit a class with Tom last quarter, and hopefully I can do the same this summer. That, in addition to editing all of his papers, helps me feel more connected to his journey at Fuller, and makes for good discussions between the two of us.

Our dogs are perfect, as always. Gracie gets sweeter every day and Riley is just perfect, adorable Riley. They fills every day with so much joy and laughter. I don't know what we would do without them!

So, we are doing well, for the most part. Tired, homesick, stressed, all of that stuff. But still very, very blessed and enjoying our journey out West :)

We went to San Diego yesterday to see Tom's mom and step-dad. San Diego is beautiful! We rarely get out of Pasadena, so it was nice to take a drive and appreciate a bit of what we live amongst. While we were walking along the coast outside our hotel, I told Tom "I think we should take a vacation to California this summer!" Yes, we obviously live here, but we do not experience it enough. Lack of time and money keep us in a clearly defined box connected by our house, Fuller, my school and the grocery store. Hopefully this summer we can branch out of that a little bit.

School has been tough lately, and I haven't felt like a very good teacher. Friday was the worst, which is strange, because I had several students tell me on Friday how much they love me. But I can't help but wonder if they just like me because I am easy on them. I don't know how much I am challenging them, and I hate that.

We are still sucking at finding a church. We've been visiting one lately which we do enjoy, but getting involved has been tough. I would do anything for a small group right now. How I wish I could fly to Austin every week and go to Corey and Sommer's life group! I miss community so much, yet it seems so scary and difficult to actually find one here.

I also need to start working out. I am not fitting into my clothes. At all. So I think I'm going to try to start running after work.

On a non-complaining note, my mom is coming to see me this week! It will be so good to have her here. The puppies are very excited about seeing their grandma. They loooovvvve their grandma!

Anyway, enough rambling. I need to get started on the laundry.

The joys of teaching

The highlights of my week:

-Telling my second period class that Chelsie had beat James on the test by 1/2 a point (she made a perfect 105, he made a 104.5). Chelsie is brilliant, but she gives up on everything. She once erased her name from a test and turned it in blank because she just "didn't get it". She laughed at me when I told her that I think Stoichiometry is really fun. But then she practiced it. And she got it all. Seeing 3 pages of perfectly worked out problems on her test was a beautiful sight. And watching her smile as everyone looked at her in amazement, because no one ever thinks of Chelsie as the "smart one", was truly a great moment.

-Hearing Mark and Stephanie complain to me for taking points off because of sig figs, then watching them complain to Luke, who made a perfect score with perfect sig figs. "We weren't told to use sig figs," they complained. He looked at them like they were crazy, "We ALWAYS have to worry about sig figs!" he said. That's my boy, Luke. That is my boy.

-Watching Jenna bounce into my classroom. I love this girl, and I love the spring in her step as she comes into class, excited to tell me about the newest "Anne" book that she has read.

(What is up with blogger? The layout and options have been ghetto all week.)

I am trying to get back into spending time with Jesus on a regular basis. Which means I've been writing in my journal more. During my college years, I filled up a journal every 6 months or so. I have a huge stack of those journals. These journals laugh at my current journal, which is 1/4 of the way filled after 2 years.

My current journal begins in January of 2007, at a time when life was going really well. I had just quit my horrible job at Lynntech and was going back to school. Our community at Spruce apartments was growing closer, and our lifegroup at Corey and Sommer's was fluorishing. Tom had started taking classes at the Fuller extension in Houston, which I was able to audit with him. He was still on staff at Aldersgate, and he had raised enough support to cover the loss in income from my job at Lynntech. And, best of all, we were planning on doing the church plant in August! Everything was coming together, and life was good.

Then in February, my journal entry begins with three short sentences:

Bill is no longer our college pastor.
Everything has changed.
I am angry, really angry.

I won't get into the details of this entry, as most of you already know what happened during this time. But it shattered our lives. The next few months were spent praying about whether or not we should go ahead with the church plant. I clung to the hope that we still would. But by March, Ray and Tom had decided that it shouldn't happen. And that's when I knew that everything really had changed, that the community that had become like family to me would be scattered.

In May, we had our last 6:35. I tried my best to savor every moment of it. But it was hard, because there was no mention of the fact that it was the last time Ray and the band would be playing on that stage. There was no mention that it was Tom's last 6:35 as a staff member. There was no celebration of our time together, no closure in any form. Just the knowledge in the hearts of the leadership that this was it. It was over.

In August(after our trip in Morocco and then Tom's trip in Japan), we packed up Tom's office and moved him out. Nobody said goodbye. Patsy came in to show him that he only had $65 left in his account, but that was it. He put his keys in the mailbox and we quietly crept out. It was my last time stepping foot in that church.

I am writing this out because I don't think about it or deal with it enough. We are having such a hard time finding a church here, mainly due to the fact that we suck at trying to find one. We compare everything to what we had. And I am cynical and doubtful of leadership. Are they really as sincere as they seem? How do they treat their staff? How do they spend their money? Will they hurt us like we were hurt before? Learning how to trust again is a slow and painful process.

And there are times when I still get so angry. We had to start our lives over again. We had invested so much, waited for so long, and then all of a sudden we are back at square one. And we had to leave everything behind.

Not that I don't see the redemption of the Lord in our lives. I am thankful that Tom is at Fuller. I love my school. Our marriage is the best that it has ever been. We have dogs that celebrate our every move with wiggles and kisses galore. Life is good, and I am thankful.

But when I read through my journal, I remember. And I remember that I have to keep laying the past two years at the Lord's feet. I can't forget them, nor can I dwell on them in bitterness. But I have to deal with them, because whether I like it or not, they are affecting me today.

25 random things about me

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I teach chemistry, and I really love teaching something I know so much about. I love that I can look at a worksheet or test and pick out the wrong answers instinctively, much like finding misspelled words. This is why I don't use a TA, even though I have the option for one this semester.
   
   
2. I love to shop with coupons and find good deals. It is like a game for me, and I feel so fantastic when I save a lot of money on our groceries. It is the one thing I can really control about our finances, and I take a lot of pride in being able to do it.
   
   
3. My favorite thing about our dog, Gracie, is that she lets me hold her close like a teddy bear at night. I often fall asleep with her in my arms, and the first thing I do when my alarm goes off in the morning is pull her close to me again. I love the way she groans and sighs and tucks her head against my shoulder.
   
   
4. I love the smell of my dogs feet when they have been sleeping. And I know that this is absolutely insane. But it is such a warm and comforting smell. I promise its not as gross as it sounds.
   
   
5. I wonder what will happen when we have babies and our dogs will have to take second place. I'm not sure how they will adjust to that. Or how I will.
   
   
6. We are not officially trying to have a baby, and I have no idea how we would afford one if we had one. But I still hope every month that we have created one, and I curse loudly in the bathroom every time my body lets me know that this has not happened.
   
   
7. Though we are not officially trying to have a baby, we are not trying to prevent it either. But Tom doesn't think it will happen until he declares that we are trying. And I can't seem to convince him that that isn't the way it works.
   
   
8. As much as I hate the struggle and pain that not having a baby has been to me, I am thankful for the empathy it is growing in me. I am a firm believer that people going into the ministry are prepared for it more by the crap they go through than through the schooling they receive. So I am thankful for the empathy, humility and patience that has been and is being grown in us through the suffering we have and will experience in life.
   
   
9. I do not however negate the importance of schooling for ministry, and I could not be happier that Tom is receiving an education from Fuller. It is an amazing school and is doing wonderful things for my husband.
   
   
10. I still don't really believe that we are living in California. Sometimes I look up at the rows of palm trees while I'm driving to school and get really shocked when I realize that we really do live here.
    
    
11. As much as I love fish tacos, I think Texas does a much better job with mexican food. And I really, really miss Los Cucos.
    
    
12. I love how much fun it is to be married to my husband.
    
    
13. I really love to cook, but I am nowhere near fancy in how I do it. I shy away from recipes with more than 5 or 6 ingredients, and I limit my "chopping" items to an onion and possibly some garlic. Because of this, Rachel Ray overwhelms me.
    
    
14. My ideal breakfast is cookies and coffee.
    
    
15. I love chips and salsa, but my way of eating it would better be termed "salsa with chips". I do not dip my chips in salsa, I scoop my salsa with my chips. Which is why I don't like thin, hot salsa. I prefer it chunky and mild enough to not burn my tongue in large amounts.
    
    
16. There are things that I hate doing, which I do almost every day. These include washing and cutting up lettuce for salads (bagged lettuce would be easier but is too expensive), making coffee the night before (I always leave it until I am so tired it is the last thing I want to do) and filling up the brita pitcher. All of these are necessary for the things I enjoy (salad, fresh brewed coffee in the morning and cold, filtered water), but I hate doing them.
    
    
17. I have been afraid of the phone since I was a child. And though I am more comfortable with it now, I still get scared when I have to call someone. This makes me horrible at calling my students' parents. And horrible at staying in touch with friends through the phone. I am therefore really thankful for email.
    
    
18. I consider Anne Shirley from "Anne of Green Gables" one of my best friends. She and I grow up together, and I therefore can not read any further than "Anne's House of Dreams" until I have children. It just doesn't feel right for us to be in different stages of life.
    
    
19. I think everyone should read Barack Obama's book "Dreams of my Father". I think it is one of the most brilliantly written books I've read. I really loved hearing David Axlerod tell Charlie Rose that Obama was the best writer he knows and that it was difficult for him to try to write for someone who was a better write than him. I love that we have someone like this for our president.
    
    
20. We went from paying $465 for rent in College Station to $1350 in Pasadena. And this is actually really cheap for the house we have here. But I don't know how we are making it paying so much in rent. And I now understand how we were able to save so much money living in CS.
    
    
21. I used to think that antidepressants were a joke until I was put on Effexor. Now I think that everyone should take them. And I am completely unashamed of people knowing how much I am reliant on this drug.
    
    
22. I really love that I see a side of my husband that nobody else sees. Most see the strong, dominant man, but I get to see the sweet, funny boy in him. And I love how these two aspects of him mix together to make him a fantastic leader.
    
    
23. My favorite book of the Bible is the Psalms. But if I let myself read them during my quiet times, I won't read anything else. So I sometime feel the need to keep myself out of them. But I'm wondering if thats the right thing to do, because there is a part of me that really needs this book to survive in life.
    
    
24. I still sleep with my childhood blanket at night. Tom says I have to give it up when I'm 30, and I'm dreading that day.
    
    
25. I have been wanting to be tagged to fill one of these things out for awhile and almost pretended I was tagged so that I could. But then Sommer tagged me, so now I have been able to do this without feeling like and friendless person :)