I don't love having this thing just sit empty... The May, 2010 heading looming there at the top, all the way into March, 2011.
But it has been a difficult year for words. A difficult year for updates.
I knew that this year would be hard before it even began... our ever-present quest for a baby, our quest that, month after month, proves to be beyond our control, hangs over me like a cloud. A cloud of bitterness, longing, anger, jealousy.... a cloud of pretty much everything I hate. But it won't go away.
And this has affected my contentment and joy toward teaching. I have been so, so hard on myself this year. I tell myself and believe the most horrible things about my competency at my job. I can't be as bad as I think I am, but I still believe it.
A few weeks ago, my doctor upped my anxiety meds. It seems to be helping. I've had a few good weeks. Maybe they will stick.
So there I am. It's been a rough year. I could say more about it, but it gets pretty repetitive.
And yet... every once in a while, I feel peace. I feel hope. I feel a presence strip away my cloud and surround me with love. He's always here, and I sometimes feel him. He's always with me, and I sometimes catch a glimpse of him leading me to himself. He is always good, and I sometimes see proof of that. And it gives me hope that this year will be for the good of my heart, for the good of our story.
2 comments:
Even if you only post once a year I will be so glad to read it. I especially loved your last paragraph today. He is always there and always good, and sometimes - sometimes we get to see it. And this is faith, isn't it? And it is miraculous and beautiful and also like a long, slow death.
I appreciate you friend. So much!
I loved reading this today, friend. I too find it so difficult to write when I am feeling down, but sometimes it's just what I need to do. You express so beautifully the paradox of our faith. Sometimes all I want to do is believe; to REALLY trust, because my heart knows I can, and all I can do is question because my human mind is also a part of me. If I could, I would change the circumstances that have weighted you down this year, but because I can't please know that I am standing with you, believing in prayer for your heart's desire. How grateful I am that we serve a God who is so faithful, he allows us to question and wonder. Love you, friend.
Post a Comment