I checked my grades tonight, and it's official... I got my tenth and final college 4.0. And all I can think about is, "Has there ever been a semester when I ever really deserved a 4.0?" There hasn't been. I entered college with the dream of having this GPA, and God took my dream and carried me to it's fulfillment. It had nothing to do with my genius or hard work and everything to do with Him. He led me through pain and suffering and torment throughout my college years, but he always blessed my grades. It was one of His hidden blessings, a stream in my desert. And now I'm at the end of my college experience and everyone thinks I'm so smart for graduating with a 4.0. No, no, no... I just have a good God. A God that cares enough about me to make a little insignificant dream come true.

God's been uncovering and dealing with my fear lately. I have lived my life being fearful of everything, mainly people. Fear of speaking because I might sound stupid. Fear of doing because I might do it wrong. Fear of any type of social interaction because I might embarrass myself, people might think I'm weird, people might laugh and say, "She's so dumb, nerdy, ugly, strange..." The root of fear is self-centerdness. "If I was still pleasing men I would not be a bondservant of Christ." I am a bondservant of myself when I allow fear to rule me. Yet, all my life, I've never been able to free myself of my fear. I know that only Jesus can free me from my bondage.

The Lord gave me a dream last week that both pierced and encouraged me. In it, I was lying awake in my bed and was terrified. Every fear known to man had been poured upon me and I was so frightened I could barely move or breathe. I kept thinking, "How do people live in this world when there is so much to fear? How do I live in this world when there is so much to fear?" I kept wishing that Tom was there next to me so I could cling to him. I kept saying to myself, "If only we were married already so I could have him next to me. I need him here. I need him to support me and keep me from this fear." This went on for quite awhile, and then finally I looked up at the ceiling and said, "Daddy, help me." A bright light suddenly emerged and shot like a lazer down at me. I whispered, "Finally He is here to free me." Then I melted into a world of peace.

There are three things that God showed me through that dream:
1)I am in bondage to fear. I really hadn't been able to pinpoint my bondage until the day before I had the dream. That morning I had asked the Lord what the root of all my bondage was, and He spoke the word "fear" into my heart. This dream confirmed what He had said to me that morning.
2)I have been hiding and am in danger of continuing to hide behind Tom in order to ignore my fear and not deal with it. I hadn't realized the extent of this until my dream. Tom is confident, outgoing and loves to protect me. I hide behind this too much. And it's hindering my ability to really be effective for the Lord.
3)The Lord will free me if I seek His help! =)

A few weeks ago, I finished reading Hinds Feet on High Places. In it, a little crippled girl named Much Afraid is led by the Shepard on a journey to the high places. After a long and difficult journey, she reaches her destination and the Sheperd heals her and gives her a new name, Grace and Glory. I saw myself in the book over and over again... and I trust that the Lord will continue me on my journey until I too am no longer "much afraid."

all of these things
i've held up in vain
no reason nor rhyme
just the scars that remain
of all of these things
i'm so much afraid
scared out of my mind
by the demons i've made
sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go
--Jars of Clay